


Broken for a Change

by Links6



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood Loss, Blood and Gore, Domestic Fluff, Hide has depression, Hide's hurt but alive, Hurts So Good, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kaneki has PTSD, M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Canon, References to Depression, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Symptoms of PTSD, fluffy fluff not even sorry, just post-canon anime, no plot really, so much fluff tho
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-14 19:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13015020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Links6/pseuds/Links6
Summary: Tag to episode 2x12, Kaneki's left to take care of Hide and suddenly realizes how much the world changed for both of them since he left...





	1. Broken for a Change

**Author's Note:**

> AN1: Slight AU since it meshes some details of the manga with the anime... it's mostly from the anime though..  
> AN2: This is more to do with Kaneki's PTSD and how much everything's changed since he left... maybe the start of a mini-series that's all angsty hurt/comfort fluff for Kaneki and Hide?  
> AN3: Mostly Kaneki's POV

It's been over a year? More? Less…?

It was hard to keep track after what happened that night with Rize and even worse after joining Aogiri. Sometimes it felt like days went by just when they started, other times, it felt like it would never end. But it was all the same. Day in, day out.

But, right now… right now Kaneki Ken was excruciatingly aware of the seconds ticking past.

He'd made it past the blockades… Somehow made it back to the university without detection. He couldn't quite remember how he did it, just that, at one point he was running through the sewers. The rest was a blur.

Right now though, he stood in front of Hide's apartment.

The door was locked, but the spare key was just where Hide had always left it. Attached to the underside of the stairway railing, like always.

Finally, he stepped inside.

It was dark and felt as if it hadn't been used for a while. Maybe a day to two.

He headed down the usual path towards the living room, but decided against it. Lying on a couch when a bed was available was unnecessary.

So, he headed down the small hallway and entered Hide's bedroom. It surprised him a bit. Boxes of posters with his face on it lined the wall close to the door. Some were half-empty, others were full, others were weatherworn and almost falling apart.

Hide had been looking for him all along. Some of the posters were dated for December, some for April… others for June…

Just how long has it really been?

Kaneki made his way over to Hide's bed and laid down the sleeping form that'd been in his arms until now. Nagachika was still asleep, after everything.

His stomach wound had, for the most part, stopped bleeding, but the blond was still unconscious.

So, using the first aid kit he'd found under Hide's bed, he pressed gauze to the wound and bandaged it.

It just needs to stop bleeding.

And, after securing the bandage around Hide's waist, laid him down again. The blond was still unconscious and as limp as a ragdoll.

The white-haired male finally stood and headed back to the front door. He closed it and switched on the kitchen light. The fluorescent sparked to life and the kitchen lit up instantly. It was bright and the sudden change of luminescence had the young man squinting. He'd become used to the darkness.

He glanced around the apartment to get an idea of what state the apartment was. After all, there's no way he could adequately care for Hide if the place were insecure, surveilled or a place where infection could take hold.

As a ghoul, being concerned with tetanus or septicemia was no longer an issue. Neither was trying to get select nutrients from different food groups. It just wasn't an option anymore.

So, trying to remember what it felt like to be human, he could vaguely recall how cold he used to get. How cravings for different foods used to affect him. How many times he had to make use of the first aid kit to heal his wounds.

And now? It was all gone. Those facets of his life were gone and he hadn't thought about them in so long, it was like trying to navigate through thick fog.

What else had been forgotten these past months? 

It's unusual for Hide to leave his books lying by the door.

It was his own university literature assignments. Hide had been completing them in his place. It had his own name, and Hide had even gone so far as to use his own linguistic pattern and syntax.

Hide had been keeping up both of their university assignments…

But, why? 

It didn't serve a purpose. 

Not when half of the wards in the district were shot to hell. 

What good is a university degree when it came to war? 

He opened the fridge, intent of finding milk, but spotted a package addressed to him instead. For Kaneki.

Curious, the young man took the package out of the fridge and set it on the counter. It was heavy and a bit soft. He tore open the corner and, catching the smell, instincts kicked in. 

It was only after he ended up devouring the entire contents that he suddenly became acutely aware of his current situation.

Where did he find that?

Just was had Hide been doing all this time?

Kaneki sighed and headed to the faucet. His mind only drew blanks as he washed his hands, dried them off and finally finished Hide's hot chocolate.

One sugar. Four scoops of cacao. Pinch of milk. Marshmallows. 

Of course, maybe Hideyoshi wouldn't even like hot chocolate anymore. Maybe he preferred tea now. Or caffeine sports drinks. By the cans lining Hide's fridge, that might be a possibility.

It was a bit of a shock to find a coffee machine in Hide's apartment. After all, Hide wasn't a coffee kind of guy. Not really. He'd enjoy his cappuccinos every once in a while, but it was never something he'd go out of his way to get.

So… the coffee machine… the beans… the beans were the same ones from Anteiku. Hide had bought the coffee beans from Anteiku.

When did Hide visit the café? 

He couldn't be sure. Maybe it was when he was with Aogiri.

The date stamp on the coffee packet didn't agree with that though. The date was the last week of November.

How long ago was that? 

How long has he been with Aogiri?

He readied the coffee in the coffee maker, waiting patiently as the brewer prepared the beans. Waited patiently for the water to boil. For the grounds to steep and slowly enhance the flavours within. Finally, when it was ready, the coffee was poured into the cup and he was left with a flavor of coffee he'd missed for some time now.  
Anteiku's blend. It's a bit like tasting something you'd only find in a memory.

It wasn't bad. It was coffee, after all.

But, it just wasn't the same.

Somehow, when Hide had made it… when they were together there just a few hours ago… it tasted different.

He picked up both mugs and headed over to Hide's bedroom.

At the door though, his mind was changed. Nothing was fine. Hide was crying.

Choked sobs and agonized growls came from his form. It was muffled by his pillow and all Kaneki could see were his shoulders harshly shaking. It didn't stop. Over and over until, finally, Hide lifted his head from his pillow. He gasped loudly, coughed and then started screaming.

Maybe from frustration. Maybe from pain.

"DAMNIT! WHY?!" He screamed, he punched his pillow and screamed again, "WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!"

Kaneki stood and watched as Hide took his anger and frustration out on his pillow. He punched it until his wrists hurt and finally screamed once more into his pillow, as if emptying his soul.

It felt like hours passed until Hide finally sat up. He sighed shakily, his whole form trembling.

Finally, Kaneki stepped forwards and set the hot chocolate down on the stand next to Hide.

You should drink that.

Hide's form grew still as he read Kaneki's unspoken request. He swallowed hard and quickly wiped his eyes. He took a breath, to center himself, before turning around. "… Hey…"

A sunshine smile was rested on his features.

Kaneki answered with a half-nod.

"Can't believe you broke into my apartment…" Hide said, a smile forming on his face. "I hope my landlady didn't get a heart attack from the noise of you dumping my lazy ass on the bed…"

A Joke… how long's it been?

"And hot chocolate? I haven't gone shopping in a while, I thought I was out!" Hide exclaimed excitedly, grinning widely as he took the mug in both hands. He sniffed it appreciatively and smiled, "Wow… it smells great, thank you!"

He took a long slurp and sighed happily, "I can't even remember the last time I had some…"

With a slight shift of his legs, Hide patted down his bed and smiled, "I'd like it if you'd sit down?" he said and grinned, "I'm not sure I'll be able to get out of bed just yet… and you're making me nervous just standing there…"

Of course, considering the condition he's in. The bandage around Hide's waist was partially stained with blood, but it was obvious that it had stopped, for the most part, at least.

Kaneki finally took a step forward and lowered himself unto Hide's bed.

"… Did you…" Hide asked, as his fingers brushed his ribs. He set the mug down on his nightstand and smiled when his friend followed his lead.

Yes.

"Thanks," Hide replies, as if Kaneki's responses were audible, "… I was pretty sure I was dead back there."

With a tilt of his head, Kaneki's lips drew to a thin line.

Another sigh. Another shake of his head.

"… Something happened during the 11th ward raid… didn't it?" Hide said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Ken couldn't meet Nagachika's eyes. And that answered everything he needed.

"There aren't any scars, as far as I can see," Hide said and took a deep breath, "… So, it's not visible… is it?"

Of course Hide would be the one who would know that. He knew without asking. He just asked to be polite.

"Do you want to tell me…?"

And, with Hide, you don't need to either.

He probably could tell. He always could… Every humiliating detail of it.

"I'm sorry," the young man said.

What?

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help you," Hide repeated and tears welled up in his eyes again. A shaky breath and a hiccup was all Hide could hold back before he started crying once more. Only, he couldn't seem to calm himself once he started.

"Kaneki… I didn't know… about Rize…" Hide said, shocking Kaneki to stillness, "It's all my fault! I'm so sorry!"

With a pained sigh, Kaneki just shook his head.

"I… made you… I forced you to ask her out…" he growled and clutched his head with a pained expression on his face, "I … It's all my fault, Kaneki…"

His shoulders shook and he buried his face his hands, "DAMNIT! I -" he screamed and hiccupped painfully between his sob, "I COULDN'T PROTECT YOU! I FAILED! I'M SO SORRY!"

Tears freely fell from his cheeks as he tried desperately to wipe them away. It was like he was fighting with himself.

He rubbed furiously at his cheeks, causing the CCG gear to leave red scratch marks on his face.

Gently, Kaneki gripped Hide's hands. The white-haired male shook his head. He smiled.

It's not your fault.

But the words just couldn't pass his lips. Somewhere deep inside, everything was stuck. All his anger. All his frustration. All his guilt. All his sadness. It was stuck and he couldn't get past it.

So, instead of trying to use his broken voice. He just smiled.

And, like sunshine through the storm, Hide pulled Kaneki closer until he'd wrapped his arms around him. His hold was as secure as he could manage and he held fast.

"Kaneki… please… please, tell me how to fix it…" Hide whispered against his chest, "I want to help you, but I don't know how…"

It was the first time in a long time that Kaneki had wished he'd something to say. Anything. But he just didn't know what to say anymore. Words didn't connect to him anymore. It didn't affect him anymore. He didn't, no, couldn't respond.

"I want to help you… I thought I was helping you by giving you space after what happened with Rize… but I… I just made it worse…" the young man exclaimed and hugged Kaneki even closer, "I want to help you… but… I don't know how to…"

What was there to fix? If something has changed, it doesn't mean it's broken…


	2. Gathering of Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, edited a bit from ffnet... enjoy :3

"Kaneki?"

It was just past eight in the morning when Hide woke up and started walking around once more. It was slow, painful but still, he made progress.

He walked into his living room, fully expecting no-one there. After all, for more than a year, not one call or text was answered... not even once could he meet Kaneki at his apartment. He'd grown used to it for the most part. So, seeing his best friend's form sitting on his couch was quite a surprise.

He was sitting on the couch, holding a cup of coffee with a complete blank look on his face. He wasn't even reading.

The fact that no piece of literature kept busy the hands of his friend was the most indicative sign that not all was right in the world. In fact, everything was just wrong.

"Yo," he called out, as if nothing had changed, "Want some coffee?"

The white-haired male stared at him for a moment before he nodded slowly.

"It won't be as good as Anteiku's but... I'll do my best," Hide said and grinned. He made his way to the kitchen. Half-way through the process though, he had to sit down with his head between his knees to stop himself from passing out. He hadn't thought his injury was too severe, but if simply brewing coffee was too much for him, he couldn't help but wonder how bad it really was.

Without a word, Kaneki stood and took over the job.

After a struggle to get up from the ground, Hide finally submitted himself to stay on the floor and just grin and bear it. He didn't want to worry Kaneki even more. Not after everything that's happened. After all, he'd gone to Anteiku to help Kaneki in the first place, not to burden him.

A cup of coffee appeared before him. A cappucino to be exact.  
That just tipped the scale over once more for the young man. Kaneki was a ghoul. Ghouls couldn't tolerate anything beyond flesh and pure coffee... and still, Kaneki made this for him. Milk, sugar, just the way he would like it. Hide realized that it must've made Kaneki nauseous and sick to handle the items, but still, Kaneki tolerated it for him...

The tears started all over again and Hide couldn't help but hate himself for it. "Damn, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..." he muttered over and over again.

Kaneki didn't leave though. He sat down next to him, as if to tell him that everything was fine.

Hide took a deep breath to calm himself, but before he could say anything a knock was heard at the door.

In an instant, Hide pulled out a gun from his cabinet and pulled Kaneki behind him. "Who's there?" he called out, trying to sound as non-chalant as possible. He trained his focus on the door, ready for an intrusion from the CCG. He blindly hoped they weren't followed, but right now, he was prepared to fight to the death if they came after Kaneki.

But... Kaneki could only stare blankly at Hide.  
When did Hide start carrying a gun?  
Where did he learn to shoot?  
When?

"Oh, Hideyoshi-dear, I made one batch too many sugar cookies for the church sale, I wondered if you'd like them?" it was the voice of the landlady.

"Oh," Hide sighed deeply in relief and struggled to get up from his spot. Finally, he managed to make it to the door and plastered on a smile before opening it a fraction, "Sorry, my stomach's just a bit... "

"Oh, sorry-"

"No, it's no problem if it's for those cookies of yours Ms. Tachibana!" He said cheerily, still half-hid behind the door, "Thank you so much!"

"It's no problem, dear... also, that coffee beans you ordered came this morning," she states and drops the bag of coffee beans on the plate too, "My, my, you sure do love coffee..."

"I'm a student, after all, Ms. Tachibana! We run on caffeine and sugar," he answered in a flighty-tone, "Um, I'm going to be busy with one of my projects until the end of the week, so-"

"No disturbances!" she answered the unspoken request with a wink, "Don't work too hard!"

And, with a nod and a grin he waved until she disappeared around the corner.

When Hide turned back he couldn't help but be a bit surprised to find the towering form of Kankeni's kagune right behind him. He smiled all the same and locked the door, "My landlady..." he stated simply, as if that would explain it all.

It did.

Kaneki nodded, feeling the kagune dissipated behind him like it always did after a fight. Only, the smell that hit him a second later had him gagging out of reflex.

Hide frowned in confusion for a moment before the realization hit him. He grabbed the plate, yanked the coffee beans off it and tossed the coffee bag on the counter. With two measured steps he struggled to the dustbin, popped the lid and dumped the entire contents of the plate in the trashcan before hurriedly shutting it, "Damn, I'm sorry... I didn't realize sooner..." he said and bit his lip in worry.

He felt the dizziness hit him once more after he managed to open the windows of the kitchen to get rid of the smell of the freshly baked cookies, "Crap... I just... " he breathed heavily and stumbled a bit, "Just for a... a second..."

Ken caught him out of pure instinct. It wasn't even a planned action... when it came to Hideyoshi Nagachika.. it never was.

He pulled him towards the couch and let Hide lie down. The white-haired male finally sat down at Nagachika's feet, resting them on his lap, as if none of this business with ghouls, Anteiku, the Owls, CCG ever happened.

The air pulled at Hide's lungs and he had trouble centering himself. The blood-loss was really getting to him. He didn't think he was in such bad shape after that fight. Then again, when he wanted to check the wound that morning, simply the sight of blood made him reel, so he didn't exactly know the extent of his own injury.

"You need to... eat something..." Kaneki finally said and swallowed hard at the thought of having to look at that kind of food again. It instantly made him nauseous, but he simply refocused his energy on what was important. And, at this moment, it was Hide's hunger, not his own that was causing problems.

"I'm not really hungry..." Hide answered, turning pale at the thought of having to walk around once more.

"You'll have to eat something... so..." Kaneki swallowed hard and managed to pull the corners of his mouth into an upwards curve for a moment, "Tell me what you'd like and I'll get it for you..."

Of course, that's all Hide needed to smile too.

"I have a bur... I mean... I have a small package in the fridge, second shelf... I think... um... on the left side...?" he said and tried as best he could to not just plainly state the food's name in Kaneki's presense. After all, any normal food would badly affect him, and he already messed up with that incident just a few minutes ago with his landlady, so he didn't want to risk that happening again, "If you could bring it for me... just like that?".

Without a word, Kaneki stood, gingerly set Hide's feet on the couch before he walked off towards the kitchen. A quick rummage through the fridge brought forth the box and, holding his breath,he dropped it into the microwave. He couldn't quite remember though.

How long did he always use to set the microwave for?  
Did he need to take it out of the box?  
He couldn't help it though. He just couldn't remember. It didn't feel like so long ago as to when he was completely human, but, at times like this, it felt more than a lifetime ago.  
He pressed a couple of buttons before the microwave started up. And quickly stopped. He couldn't help but stare blankly at it.  
How was he supposed to start it again?

"Umm.. if you press 'start' twice..." Hide casually mentioned from the couch.

Of course.

So, after finally getting the meal heated and prepped, with deep breaths and a pinched nose, Kaneki dropped off Hide's meal at his side before he retreated to the other side of the room.

"Thank you..." Hide said with a tired smile, trying his best to wolf down his burger as fast as he could.

"You have a gun," Kaneki starts and watches carefully as Hide's expression changed.  
From a smile, to a frown, to sadness, a bit of anger.

"It's from the CCG," Hide answered and eyed the gun, sitting on the counter next to the trashcan. "I won't need it anymore."

"You will," Kaneki muttered, blankly keeping his eyes on his friend.

"Not with you here, my knight in shining armor!" Hide exclaimed as cheerfully as he could. Although, it came out a bit strangled, but he tried his best to supress the pain from his voice. His side felt as if it were on fire, "Besides, Inspector Amon taught me the basics, I won't be much help for you if we go battling together..."

"Amon?"

"I'd be much more use as a shield!" Hide said, a tad too enthusiastically for Kaneki's liking, "Or even better... think of me as a handy protien-bar!"

And that quickly had ice running through Kaneki's veins.  
What had happened to Hide while he was gone?  
Didn't his life matter to him anymore?

"Just as long as you're happy," Hide finally stated and shrugged, "Whatever happened to cause that, I'd be okay... "

"I won't be..." Kaneki said and stepped closer to Hide. Once more he took a small step and finally took a breath before striding forwards with purpose. He stopped in front of Hide's form and dropped to his knees, "No."

"No?"

"I said: No."  
He couldn't bring himself to define it better than that. No.

He couldn't elucidate it better than that. It wasn't just an answer, it was a request. It was what he wanted, above everything else. Above his own life. Above the lives of others he cared about. It was Hide. 

"Kaneki," Hide started. The smile followed suit. That placating smile that always managed to make whatever defense Kaneki had for his convictions to suddenly seem overboard and garish. It made him feel like everything was in control, because Hide was handling it. But, this time, he wouldn't let that be the case. He couldn't let Hide do this.

"No."

"Kaneki..." the voice pleads. It sounds like logic should follow the tone, but Kaneki couldn't allow it. Not again. You can't logically explain defiance of altruism, could you?

"I don't think of you like that."

"Look, I know-"

"At all..." Kaneki snapped, his voice raised for the first time ever against his best friend.

It showed. In Hide's shocked expression and a gleam of pride in Hide's eyes, it showed. It was the first time that Kaneki really stood up for himself...

The flare didn't last long though and soon, Kaneki just shook his head and sighed. That was it. That was were it ended, his last tether to his eloquence had faded as quickly as it flared up and he was left with nothing but that bottomless pit of nothingness that kept him company for so long. It wasn't depression, or sadness. It was just it. Just nothingness.

"Um... can I ask you... " Hide said, after a while, trying his best to keep his voice under control, "In the medicine cabinet... I have ibuprofen..."

And, with that request, Kaneki dissapeared down the hall, returning a few moments later with the pills and a glass of water in hand, "Two, right?"

"Yeah..." Hide answered stiffly as the pain in his side send stitched of pain through his chest, "Thanks..."

"I can carry you to your room..."

"Like a princess?" Hide quipped and grinned when Kaneki's deadpan expression didn't shift, "I'll be okay here."

So, just like before, Kaneki took his spot at Hide's feet and set his friend's feet back on his lap, "I never realized how heavy your feet were..."

"... so funny..." Hide shot back and pouted melodramatically for effect.

That finally made Kaneki smile...


	3. Temporary Fix

"Hide?"

It's been a while since Hide had disappeared to the bathroom.

Kaneki knocked on the door, feeling the oddest feeling of nostalgia as he does.

No answer.

He didn't wait to open the door. He walked in and surveyed the bathroom. Sure enough, Hide was on the bathroom counter slumped against the wall, eyes closed.

By the looks of the medical kit next to him, he'd tried to change his wound dressing. The bloody gauze was stinging at Kaneki's nose, reminding him that opportunities like this did not come easy. He took a breath to calm himself before he walked closer.

"Hide?" He called out again.

The blonde stirred a bit before he blinked blearily. After a few moments he seemed to be reminded of where he was and what he'd been doing, "Crap, sorry, Kaneki..." he quickly said when he became aware of his situation, "I didn't mean to... I didn't want to bother you with this..."

Of course not. Not after what happened with Nishiki. 

Hide eyed him for a moment before he placed an arm on Kaneki's shoulder, "Ken... I mean, I know how hard it is to cope with hunger... after what happened with Nishio, I got a good idea of how bad it can get... what I meant was, I didn't want to tempt you more," he said and tried his best to smile, despite the pain he was obviously in.  
...Oh.

"But, while you're here..." Hide started to smile before ending up doubled over, "Um... maybe, while you're here, could you help me?"

Kaneki looked up with disbelief.  
What was he thinking? Did he literally not just hear the words that came from his own mouth? Does he not follow his own advice? Even if it would lead to self-preservation? How could be still trust...

"I won't feel offended if you take a bite," Hide said lightly with a laugh. He lifted up the gauze and grunted before he slumped back against the wall again, "I'm not much use for anything at this point anyway, so you might as well..."

And, that just somehow walled off the hunger Kaneki had felt up until that point. He stared at his friend, surprised, as the feeling of hunger dissipated into a strange rebellious defiance.  
Kaneki took the gauze from him, quickly undid the bandages around Hide's waist and dropped them into the dustbin. It didn't even phase him anymore.

The hard part was, Hide was still wearing all his CCG gear, vest, gloves and all. Hide didn't have the strength to take them off and Kaneki wasn't sure he could handle it when he'd initially finished bandaging up his friend. Unfortunately, the gear was getting uncomfortable for Hide and there was no way to properly assess the wound through it.

Hide struggled with the clips on his shoulders, keeping the vest's shoulder straps together. His hands slipped a few times and finally, he just growled with frustration and tried to drag the vest over his head – with no success.

Finally, when Hide's breathing started to become erratic with frustration and choking back his tears, Kaneki took hold of Nagachika's hands, "I got it," he said and nodded. He undid the clips, took both Hide's wrists and held them with one hand as he used the other to pull the vest off of his form.

"Geez, your hands are c-cold," Hide sputtered with a bit when Kaneki finally let go, "Some things never change..."

"I never noticed it before," Kaneki answered and dropped the vest in the laundry basket. He helped Hide out of his shirt and tossed it into the basket too.

"Nope, you always had cold hands," Hide said and grinned, "I mean, why do you always think I asked you to wear a jacket?"

"Because you thought I was cold?" Kaneki said and doused the gauze with antiseptic he found in the kit, "... Try to hold still.."

"You were usually col-AAAHSSSHH!" Hide hissed loudly and cringed when the gauze hit the gash on his side, "... ffffgghhh... "

"They say swearing helps with pain..."

And at that comment, Hide couldn't help but involuntarily laugh, "Really?"

"Yes."

"Good- OW! …. to know... "

Kaneki checked the wound and frowned. It was a deep slash that ran from Hide's sternum right down to his hip. "It's a deep cut," he said and prodded the wound, surprised when the prod caused a fresh stream of blood to run down Hide's abdomen.  
The involuntary yelp quickly caused Kaneki to retract his hand. He forgot... Hide wasn't a ghoul. Hide wouldn't be healing from this within the hour. He would be healing from this for at least two weeks or more. The will be scarring. The threat of sepsis is there. The threat of death from loss of blood.  
"I forgot..." Kaneki said and held the gauze to the wound again to staunch the bleeding.

Hide looked at him with confusion written on his face for a moment before it suddenly made sense, "...Oh... um... it's okay... it's okay!" he said and smiled, "So, Doctor Ken, how does it look?"

"Bad. I can't tell how deep the cut is and if there's any internal bleeding from this..." Kaneki answered blinked when Hide's face dropped, "... sorry."

"It's okay," Nagachika quickly said and tried his best to smile once more, "I think I have butterfly stitches in the kit... and... I'll just... netflix and chill... until it heals...haha..."  
The blonde's expression faltered when Kaneki had no reaction to his words. He sighed tiredly, closing his eyes as he rested his head against the wall.

Kaneki checked the kit for the mentioned plasters, completely missing Hide's change in demeanor. There were five left in the box. Only five. On the box it stated it held up to forty..  
Had Hide used these so much since he'd been gone? Was it while he was working for the CCG? Did he get into other trouble? Was it because of that... package... he left Kaneki in the fridge?  
Deciding not to focus on anything other than his current concern, Kaneki checked the wound once more. It was way too long to be covered by just five measly stick-on stitches. Hide will need actual stitches for this.  
"You'll need stitches..."

"I've got a needle -"

How much temptation should you resist before going completely mad?  
"I'm not going to do it," Kaneki stated, a tone of finality to his voice that overshadowed all else.

"... Okay," Hide nodded and held out his hand, "Maybe you should wait outside, it'll take me a while."  
He said it with an understanding smile, like always. 

"Hide... I want to help you... but... " Kaneki started and his eyes involuntarily flitted to Hide's wound, "I... can't."

"Kaneki, it's okay... I'll call you when I'm done... okay?" Hide said and had a flash of inspiration fill his face, "If you want to, I have a neighbour... she's a ghoul..."

Kaneki blinked surprised.

"I already arranged everything with her and paid so... " Hide said and a look of sadness crossed his face, "If you walk out the front door, she's the first on the left... just tell her I sent you and … yeah."

A supplier. That's how Hide had that... meal... in his fridge... of course.   
"... Okay." Kaneki nodded and headed out of the bathroom, only to hear Hide call after him.

"Please..." Hide asked, his voice soft, but the desperate tone was noticeable, "Come back.. after..."

"Okay."

So, an hour... maybe more, went by and it the sun was drifting into afternoon when Kaneki finally reentered the apartment. He felt better, healed well and satiated. Not as tired.  
He locked the front door and walked to the living room. Hide wasn't there. He wasn't in his room either.  
He knocked twice on the bathroom door, only to be greeted by silence again. It suddenly hit him.  
This is what Hide had felt after Kaneki had turned into a ghoul... when no calls or texts were never returned... the door was knocked on but left unanswered.

He pushed open the door. Blood on the cabinet, floor. Dried a bit. Darker. Hide was lying in the shower, eyes closed.

Was he breathing? 

"H-Hide..." Kaneki mouthed as he stumbled closer, completely driven by fear that now filled his veins.

He had left him alone for too long. He wasn't thinking. He didn't even think about Hide's condition while he was out. He'd just left him there.  
He grabbed Hide's shoulders, shaking him, "Hide! Hide!"

"What...?" Hide mumbled sleepily as his brown eyes slowly opened, "Kan... Kane... I'm so... tired..."

Kaneki straightened up, shut off the shower and grabbed the towel off the rails. He quickly wrapped Hide up in it and picked him up. He carried Hide back to the bedroom and set him down on the bed, "Hold still... I'll be right back... " he assured and headed back to the bathroom. He grabbed another set of towels, the medical aid kit and managed to balance a glass of water in his hands too as he made his way back to the room.

Hide had been struggling to sit up and tried his best to help his friend, but failed miserably as that awful sinking feeling in his stomach started again and his vision started to go black, "... uh... I feel … a bit diz..."

"I know..." Kaneki said and arranged the items on the bed next to him. He propped a pillow under Hide's feet before tossing a comforter over his form "Let's get you warmed up..."

"The shower was warm..." Hide defended, feeling a bit better when his light-headedness eased up a bit, "I fell asleep..."  
Kaneki's hands stilled, "... you just fell asleep… ?"

"I sat down when I got dizzy but … I guess I just fell asleep," Hide said sheepishly and blushed a bit when Kaneki stared at him, "...What?"

"I thought..."

"... I died?"

The white-haired male drew his lips to a thin line and held out the glass of water to his friend, "Drink this..."

"Thanks..." Hide said, eagerly lifting his head up to take the glass, only to groan and drop back down a second later, "... ow... "

Kaneki moved his arm behind Hide's shoulders and lifted him a bit and held the glass to his lips, "I was sure you … " he started and took a breath, trying to focus on his actions instead of his thoughts.

When Hide nodded his thanks, Kaneki let him lie down again.

The ghoul took a seat at his friend's side, trying his best to calm down his sudden erratic breathing, "I just... I took... Hide... I... I didn't... "

"I'm fine, Ken..." Nagachika assured and dropped his hand on Kaneki's, "Besides, if I die, just dry me out and you got handy human beef jerky..."

"HIDE!" Kaneki shouted involuntarily, shocking himself when his voice suddenly erupted out of him without thought. Anger. Pain. Denial. Disbelief. A package of emotions that suddenly escaped him without thought or intention.

"... Kan-"

"No."

Realizing that his joke went completely in the wrong direction, Hide tried his best to remedy the situation, but it was too late. He tried his best to squeeze Kaneki's hand in reassurance, "Hey, it's okay-"

"No, it's not okay!" Kaneki yelled back, angrily. Emotions started pouring out of him and once that bottle opened, it was like a waterfall of pain followed.  
Anger. Hurt. Betrayal. Grief. Sadness. Joy. Surprise.

"I'm not okay! And this is not okay! OKAY?!" he yelled and grabbed Hide's shoulders, "YOU'RE NOT OKAY! YOU'RE HURT AND I CAN'T HELP YOU! I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO HELP ME TOO BUT DON'T! I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET WORSE, OKAY?! YOU'RE HURTING YOURSELF TRYING TO HELP ME! YOU'VE BEEN COMPLETELY IGNORING EVERYTHING YOU LOVE BECAUSE OF ME! AND THAT'S NOT OKAY! OKAY?!"

And for a minute, or a lifetime, they state at each other. It was a stalemate of proportions and neither of them wanted to give in. This was the first time they've fought. It was the first time they've ever really fought. And their fight was to keep each other from harm.

"... Okay..." Hide said, and blinked a few times. And even more once tears started welling up in his eyes again, "Okay."

"Okay..." Kaneki said, trying his best to calm his breathing.

"... Sorry I made you worry..." Hide whispered, feeling guilt bubble up inside all over again, "I didn't realize how bad it was and when I was halfway finished, I couldn't just leave it there... so, after I finished up, I just wanted to take a quick shower but..."

The young blond took in a deep breath and sighed, "I think... I lost... maybe... a bit more blood than I thought," he said and patted the spot on the comforter above his wound, "I didn't think it was as bad..."

Ken just nodded silently, feeling dead tired after his outburst. He couldn't completely even follow Hide's words, trying his best to focus but failing. He felt so drained now.

"I'm sorry..." Hide said and smiled apologetically, "Maybe, if you're not asleep just yet, could you get me some pants?"

"Pants?"

"I kind of need pants..." Hide said with a awkward expression on his face, reminding Kaneki that Hide was just in a towel up until this point.

"Pants!" Kaneki exclaimed with surprise, the slightest tinge of red dusting his cheeks as he quickly stood up from the bed, all evidence of fatigue now erased from his system as he headed over to Hide's closet. He quickly grabbed the first pair of sweats he could find and tossed them at Hide.

"No... Can I get the green ones? They're so much more comfy!" Hide whined and shook the offending pants around like a flag, "These are my shitty sweatpants."

It took a bit more scrambling to find the pair Hide had wanted and a lot of awkward assistance to actually get Hide into them. But, after that, he finally rested back into the mattress and yawned, "Damn, who knew putting pants on could be so tiring..."

The slightest chuckle escaped Kaneki, much to his own surprise and Hide's delight.

"So, wanna bunk with me?" Hide suggested and tossed open the comforter, "There's plenty of room."  
There wasn't, but that didn't seem to bother Hide as he shifted over to the edge of the mattress.

"Okay," Kaneki shrugged and walked closer, only to get stopped by Hide.

"Hey, I have lot of extra clothes that'll fit you..." Hide said and eyed Kaneki's outfit, "It might be a bit more... comfortable to sleep in?"

"... okay."


	4. Curing Period

"Hide..."

-"Hmmm?"

"You're shaking..."

-"Uh huh..."

"Are you cold?"

-"Hmmm hmmm..."

"Are you sure?" Kaneki asked after he rested an arm on Hide's.

Instinctively Hide pulled Kaneki's arm closer, "No..." he lied sleepily and snuzzled into Kaneki's arm. His breathing evened out and almost looked like he fell asleep again.  
Kaneki could feel the cold of Hide's arms, but it didn't really make sense to him at that point.  
How cold is cold? Maybe he wasn't that cold and his adrenaline was wearing off and that was why he was shaking...

It was just past dusk when they both lied down and decided to call it a day. It was, all things considered, quite quiet outside. A few helicopters flew by with searchlights, but no foot-patrols passed Hide's apartment.

When a sudden harsh twitch from Hide jolted Kaneki back to the present, he was surprised to see Hide's brown eyes wide open in shock.

"S-sorry," the blond quickly apologized with a shudder and retreated his arms from Kaneki.  
Oh. Of course he wouldn't be trusting of a ghoul. Especially in sleep.  
Since they were practically nose to nose on the small bed, it was obvious that Hide wanted a bit of space between them, just to be safe.  
Only, Hide drew his lips to a regretful smile once he saw Kaneki's mute reaction. He took in a shaky breath and wrapped his arms tightly around himself, already missing the warmth of his friend. "No... hey, man, I didn't mean that..." he said and sighed, "Do you want me to be holding onto your arm like that, Ken? I mean... I'm not sure how you feel..."

Kaneki could only blink in surprise.

Hide was only worried that his actions might make him uncomfortable?

"I-t-tt was just a old habit of mine, so I unders-s-stand if you don't want me to be hanging off you anymore," Hide stated, trying his best not to stutter his words. It was obvious he was really cold, but he was determined to talk to his friend. He nodded with a sympathetic look on his face, "I-I don't want to tempt yo-you again... 'cause I know you'll blame yours-s-self for it..."

Of course Hide would know his thought process worked. That was one of the very distinct talents Hide has always had. Without words or warning, Hide would know what Kaneki needed or was feeling at that moment. 

"It's okay, I don't mind..." Kaneki said, and the smallest content smile touched his lips.

"Okay then..." Hide nodded, his happiness blatantly obvious as he quickly latched unto Kaneki's arm again and buried himself in its warmth, "Y-you're really coz-z-zy, you know? Thanks..."

Of course, Hide also knew what to say to get him feeling embarrassed too... although, a surge of delight followed along with the embarrassment.

"D-damn... it's c-co-cold..." Hide said and laughed with a tremble, "A-aren't y-you cold?"

"No..."  
Kaneki looked over. For a long moment, Kaneki watched his friend's teeth clatter against each other, tremors going through his body every few minutes. Short puffs of breath followed every few seconds.  
After a few minutes, Kaneki suddenly realized, this had actually been going on for a while.

The laboured breathing. The dizziness. And now this.

"Hide?"

"Y-yeah..."

"I'll be right back..."

Just as Kaneki was almost out of bed, Hide grabbed unto the hoodie Kaneki was now wearing, "P-please don't go!"  
The white-haired male smiled reassuringly and tucked Hide's arm back under the comforter, "I'll be right back, I promise. I'm just down the hall..."

"Okay..." he said and, as if nothing even happened, Hide's eyes closed. He turned to his side and buried his face in the place where Kaneki had lied down, trying to absorb as much heat as he could.

Hide was definitely cold. It might be just an after-effect of the blood-loss, but it was worrying all the same.

After he made his way down the hall, Kaneki readied another hot chocolate for his friend, making sure to add extra sugar this time. He also grabbed a warmed duvet from Hide's cupboard in the hallway and headed to the bathroom.  
Opening the dryer, Kaneki stuffed the duvet into it and started it up. The whirring was a soft rumble, as the duvet slowly tumbled around in the dryer.  
Once he heard the tell-tale clinking sound of the coffee machine and kettle, Kaneki headed back to the kitchen.

He readied himself a cup of coffee and made sure to make Hide's hot chocolate warm, but ready to be drunk instantly.  
After dropping in an extra set of marshmallows for him, Kaneki made his way back to the bedroom.

Hide was already asleep, or at least, as deep in sleep as his condition could allow. His face was buried into the pillow that Kaneki had laid on and he was lying on his stomach, his arms tucked in underneath himself.

"Hide?" Kaneki softly called and waited patiently for Hide's form to move.

Did he fall asleep?  
It took a few moments, but Hide managed a nod.

"Can you sit up?" Kaneki asked and set down the mugs with the intention of helping his friend up, which turned out to be a good choice. He had to help Hide sit up, since it seemed there was no strength left in his friend, "Okay, don't fall back..."

He was about to hand over the hot chocolate when Hide fell back, all the same. He didn't have the strength to sit upright and was too cold to really focus his energy on anything else.

The impact of falling back though pulled at his stitches and Hide yelled through clenched teeth. He gasped, trying to contain the pain he felt, trying to center himself. The stitches on his chest felt as if he were on fire, yet the rest of him felt as if he were encased in ice. It didn't take long for Hide to start trembling again.

Kaneki eyed him for a second before a realization hit him. He took of the hoodie he was wearing and quickly pulled it over his friend.

The tremors shook Hide for a few more moments but then settled down. "Oh..." Hide said, suddenly calming down, a smile crossed his face and appreciativeness coloured his voice, "T-that's warm...".

Still wearing one of the t-shirts he borrowed from Hide, Kaneki didn't miss the hoodie at all. In fact, he'd only worn it out of habit. So, at Hide's response, he nodded in acquiescence. He felt that warm feeling of happiness rise in his center as he rubbed Hide's arms up and down as he said, "Good."

Hide finally opened his eyes and cracked a lop-sided grin, "Heheh, you're hot.."

"Very funny," Ken stated and stuffed a couple of pillows behind Hide to help him sit upright, "Can you sit up for a moment?"

Considering he's still making jokes, he might actually be alright, after all.

"I... I think-k so..." Hide said, his teeth still giving off the odd chatter.

The hot chocolate that appeared in front of Hide a moment later made him smile. He gratefully worked his hands through Kaneki's hoodie and wrapped the sleeves around the mug to absorb the glorious warmth it gave off.

"I'll be right back," Kaneki said, but by the focused look on Hide's face, it was an unnecessary affirmation. Hide was completely absorbed in the heavenly chocolate treat in his hands at that moment.

So, Kaneki made his way down the hall and headed into the bathroom. The dryer was still going, so he shut it off and opened it up. The duvet inside was absolutely a bundle of sunshine warmth. It a stark contrast to Hide's skin, Kaneki suddenly realized as he walked back to the bedroom.  
Careful not to knock over the mug in Hide's hands, Kaneki tossed open the duvet over the bed.

The reaction was instant.

"Kaneki!" Hide exclaimed happily and almost spilled his hot chocolate as he reveled in the warmth.

Ken quickly grabbed the mug from his friend, just in time too.

Nagachika grabbed armful of the duvet and dragged it up to his shoulders, effectively cocooning himself in its divine warmth. He crooned and gave off a cartoonish purr as he nuzzled into the duvet. He wriggled around for a few moments before he chuckled happily, "It feels so good! Thank you!" he sang and laughed again, "Wow~! Kaneki... you're awesome!"

It felt strange to be appreciated. To receive gratitude. How long since...?

"Come on," Hide said, all traces of his previous lethargy gone as he reached forwards and grabbed his mug from Kaneki, "Get in! It feels great!"

So, he did.

He picked up his own mug and couldn't help but feel a bit childish when Hide insisted clinking their mugs together, as if to portray a toast. He allowed it, all the same.

They sat together for some time, drinking hot chocolate, drinking coffee. It was peaceful. He couldn't even remember the last time when he felt like that. Peaceful. The concept felt foreign, but also like it was something that he'd be able to get used to. It felt good. This. Being here. Being with Hide. It all made him smile.

Hide looked over, noticing the small movement from his friend, causing Kaneki to look over too.

For a few moments Hide stared, before smiling too. The smile gracing his lips caused by the smile on the other's.

"Why're you smiling?" Kaneki asked, tilting his head.  
"Because you're smiling..." Hide answered and took another sip of his hot chocolate, "I missed it."


End file.
